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| In Mandarin it would be GeGe on left and DiDi on right. Together they are Xiongdi. |
The other night pensively studying a picture of Tucker taken on my phone I realized that despite the fact that he will never remember China, this experience will shape who he is forever. He is in such a formative period of personality development-- or at least in my mind he is-- even if science would dictate that his temperament was defined long ago.
I worry incessantly about how this experience is affecting both of the boys. As different as the boys are I would think it would be easy to define how they are "handling China" independently; yet, I almost can not tell you how Tucker is doing without talking about Hudson. Likewise, I can not talk about the changes in Hudson without talking about his little brother. This experience has smashed their two worlds together in ways I never imagined.
Trying to remember how they interacted pre-China is like trying to remember exactly how wonderful my bed at home is. I almost can not get my brain to go there. I know that they fought in the ways that I think brothers will. Pestering one another. Wanting what the other has in their possession. They did not exactly "play" together that often, mostly because that is not what two and five year olds do. I think the biggest thing I have to try to remember is pre-China, they did not HAVE to play together. There were more friends and more toys available that they could operate in parallel lives and do just fine. Here, it is different.
The first two weeks were the worst. The trifecta of jet lag, sleep deprivation, and hunger had them in some sort of tailspin of bad behavior. They were combative, rambunctious, and grumpy. If you are just reading those as words, you are lacking to comprehend the full meaning. It was freaking terrible. There was never a calm moment. Never a lack of fighting. Never a time of silence. I once had the opportunity to talk to a Cummins employee (who was a minimal bilingual speaker) as to what Mr. Song had said about us. The only response? "Loud." They were loud. Being together in the van seemed to bring out the worst of them or maybe it was just a knee-jerk reaction to the environment pre and post van rides, I will never know.
So, I went into some sort of parenting triage: figured out the biggest triggers for bad behavior, organized things to do, separated them with my body if and when nothing else was available. They started sleeping. After five weeks here I was having a coffee with a friend and after our conversation about sibling rivalry and relationships, we started talking about our life in China. She casually said mid-conversation, "So if you have had five weeks of never being away from the boys for more than an hour, how many times have they been able to be away from each other?" It was the single greatest epiphany/Mr. Obvious moment I have had to date. Of course! How obvious! They are sick of each other! They need space! They need time away! Only to be quickly followed with the thoughts of reality of Where? How? When?
Several have sent us questions asking about our physical apartment and I can happily send you the specs and a blueprint of the layout. In reality, I can sum up our 893 square foot living quarters with this: Teeny tiny and getting smaller by the minute. The hardest thing has to be that the boys (or any of us) can not really get away from each other. Even for quiet time, if I separate them, I give myself no place to hide. I can hear the man in the apartment next to us SNEEZE at night, so I am pretty confident that the Tucker screams and Hudson whines are part of his daily life too. This was a big stress at the beginning. Now, I am pretty much over it. If we are too loud, they can kick us out.
Of course, I need a place to get away to as well. I have done my best to hold myself together, if for nothing else, than for them. I know that the kids can sense my stress and discomfort, so I really try. I find it hardest to remain calm when we are dealing with so many new things at once and then they start fighting. Or when someone (apart from our little tribe) sets one of them off (like by touching them). I just want to scream, "PARENTING IS HARD ENOUGH! LEAVE MY KID ALONE."
To try and talk about their individual adjustments to China is hard. I think in many ways, they are adjusting to suddenly having a constant sibling/only playmate/bed partner/toy stealer/mom affection grabber as much as they are adjusting to all of the "new life" stuff.
I will say that their are aspects of their beings that I am getting to know better. Hudson is a ferocious Mother Hen to Tucker. I appreciate his bomb sniffing dog-like skills for finding uncovered manholes and on-coming cars, but he rarely gives his baby brother a break when it comes to these and all sorts of other possible dangers. Tucker has shown himself to be a fantastic free-spirit and fearless adventurer, although this probably means his teen years will turn me gray.
We are six weeks into our China Era. I will say that we are all adjusting. I won't say we are adjusting well or adjusting slowly; just adjusting. Just like the constant changes in the road they are building outside our window, every day is an adjustment.
Probably most significantly, an adjustment to the people we would have been if we had not come.
Trying to remember how they interacted pre-China is like trying to remember exactly how wonderful my bed at home is. I almost can not get my brain to go there. I know that they fought in the ways that I think brothers will. Pestering one another. Wanting what the other has in their possession. They did not exactly "play" together that often, mostly because that is not what two and five year olds do. I think the biggest thing I have to try to remember is pre-China, they did not HAVE to play together. There were more friends and more toys available that they could operate in parallel lives and do just fine. Here, it is different.
The first two weeks were the worst. The trifecta of jet lag, sleep deprivation, and hunger had them in some sort of tailspin of bad behavior. They were combative, rambunctious, and grumpy. If you are just reading those as words, you are lacking to comprehend the full meaning. It was freaking terrible. There was never a calm moment. Never a lack of fighting. Never a time of silence. I once had the opportunity to talk to a Cummins employee (who was a minimal bilingual speaker) as to what Mr. Song had said about us. The only response? "Loud." They were loud. Being together in the van seemed to bring out the worst of them or maybe it was just a knee-jerk reaction to the environment pre and post van rides, I will never know.
So, I went into some sort of parenting triage: figured out the biggest triggers for bad behavior, organized things to do, separated them with my body if and when nothing else was available. They started sleeping. After five weeks here I was having a coffee with a friend and after our conversation about sibling rivalry and relationships, we started talking about our life in China. She casually said mid-conversation, "So if you have had five weeks of never being away from the boys for more than an hour, how many times have they been able to be away from each other?" It was the single greatest epiphany/Mr. Obvious moment I have had to date. Of course! How obvious! They are sick of each other! They need space! They need time away! Only to be quickly followed with the thoughts of reality of Where? How? When?
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| This is us. Boys room is top. Ours is on bottom. I am sitting at that desk, far left and middle, writing right now! |
Several have sent us questions asking about our physical apartment and I can happily send you the specs and a blueprint of the layout. In reality, I can sum up our 893 square foot living quarters with this: Teeny tiny and getting smaller by the minute. The hardest thing has to be that the boys (or any of us) can not really get away from each other. Even for quiet time, if I separate them, I give myself no place to hide. I can hear the man in the apartment next to us SNEEZE at night, so I am pretty confident that the Tucker screams and Hudson whines are part of his daily life too. This was a big stress at the beginning. Now, I am pretty much over it. If we are too loud, they can kick us out.
Of course, I need a place to get away to as well. I have done my best to hold myself together, if for nothing else, than for them. I know that the kids can sense my stress and discomfort, so I really try. I find it hardest to remain calm when we are dealing with so many new things at once and then they start fighting. Or when someone (apart from our little tribe) sets one of them off (like by touching them). I just want to scream, "PARENTING IS HARD ENOUGH! LEAVE MY KID ALONE."
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| Just a little hole we walk past on our way to cross the street. |
I will say that their are aspects of their beings that I am getting to know better. Hudson is a ferocious Mother Hen to Tucker. I appreciate his bomb sniffing dog-like skills for finding uncovered manholes and on-coming cars, but he rarely gives his baby brother a break when it comes to these and all sorts of other possible dangers. Tucker has shown himself to be a fantastic free-spirit and fearless adventurer, although this probably means his teen years will turn me gray.
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| On his birthday, it was all smiles! |
We are six weeks into our China Era. I will say that we are all adjusting. I won't say we are adjusting well or adjusting slowly; just adjusting. Just like the constant changes in the road they are building outside our window, every day is an adjustment.
Probably most significantly, an adjustment to the people we would have been if we had not come.
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| I will take this Chinglish to mean: If my boys are one day friends it will be my glory and dream! |
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