Suddenly Mama is 40.

"If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you." ~Elizabeth Gilbert

Six and a half years ago I opened my heart to the joy of motherhood 

and opened this blog to whomever wished to take the journey with us. 

I appreciate your support and encouragement along the way. Like all mothers I think there comes a time when you stop writing in the baby book, so with a heavy heart I will

now end this endeavor. This will be the final blogpost. I hope my sons can one day

be appreciative of the effort that I gave this project.  

My Goodbye Song

My Dear Children,

Because I had you post the natural timeline of insecure teen years, those roaring twenties, and in my much more financially and emotionally stable thirties, I never would have expected for you to be "along for the ride" during a time when I learned so much about my myself and my values. China has changed me. One day when you are (much, much) older we can talk about all the things that I was dealing with as a person and as a mother that are not clearly defined through the words of this blog. I am confident that the words here will serve as a good outline for what I will need to share. 

There was never a time that you were not a part of my China experience. Those (very) few times when I was away from you for an hour or two, you were constantly on my mind. Logically I know that China is just as safe as the US, but it did not stop me from being paranoid. (I am sorry kids, but you come from a long line of worry-warts, so good luck dealing with that as a parent!) Being a mother is the only hat I have worn for the past 148 days. I realize now that it is probably good to have multiple hats in life; it keeps you balanced.

You have witnessed some natural highs and some genuine lows. But you have always been the stability that has brought grounded me back to a place of silent prayer and peace. Thank you for that. (It is highly likely I would have been arrested without your presence. Or maybe I only would have been arrested because of your presence. Hmmm...)

To each of you, I have this to say: First to my Little Man. My Chatty Kathy. My Lego Maniac. Tonight I looked back over the pictures that I have taken since we arrived here in China and I am genuinely shocked at how I can see the changes in you in just the past 20 weeks. Or maybe I just am viewing you in a different way. 

I apologize for making you a goodwill ambassador when you did not want to. I hate that I felt such pressure for us to give "good impressions of Americans" for that was never really our job here. Alas, I do know that many Chinese view Americans as Christians and I believe that it IS our constant job to act as such. But you are still little and should not always have to pose for pictures with everyone who asks. You did a rockstar job at communicating with the people. You made many friends. You defended yourself and your Mama more than once. Remind me to tell you the story of you yelling "Bu yao" over and over at the market. You were just old enough to know that some stuff, like pooping on the street or littering, is not something that we should do and did not ask me a hundred questions "why?" Thanks for that!

I love it that you have been my buddy and my helper along this journey. You are tougher than you know and it is my constant prayer that it does not take you too long to figure that out. You are so very bright. It actually scares me a little. 

I look and you and sigh because I know that you are going to change a lot and fast once we get home. There are aspects of your childhood that have somehow been protected a little longer by being here. Once you are in school full time and with outside influences, I know that my view will become less important to your decision making. I hope that I have given you some good skills to carry with you. 

And you, Mister T, my little angel, my little agitator. Oh my! This experience has been very good for the two of us. I feel like I have been learning about you since the day you were born. I will FOREVER wonder how this China experience changed your personality. We left and you were so extremely introverted and I have seen such tremendous growth in your here. That does not mean that for one second I can forget how much I feel like I have had to protect you here. China absolutely adores you. Those curls. That little body. Everyone wanted to get pictures with you. Everyone wanted you to pay attention to them. Being shy has its place, but it can also present a hard way of life, so I am very happy to see the changes in you. (I do wish I would have learned the word "haixiu" earlier in the trip. People seemed to understand your screaming reaction to being touched much better when I could tell them you were shy. This did not stop me from wanting to punch people who repeatedly tried to touch you. Especially when I was wearing you in a sling on MY body, but I digress...)

The best part of this trip is I feel like I really know you.  I can see things as you do and almost prepare for your reactions before they I know friends and family will be so shocked to see how much you have grown up in the past few months.

I love it when I hear you greet people with a loud, "Nihao!!!" and I when we find something on the Chinese menu that you will eat! You are such a little cuddle bug. You do not know how good it makes me feel to be able to pick your little lightness up and snuggle you up. Watching you run, jump, and swim with ease makes me feel really good about the physical progress you have made. I am looking forward to our days together once we return home.

With trip has cemented the one thing about life that matters: The only thing that is important is your heart being in the right place with God. I don't care if you go to college or make big money or move across the world from me. The only thing that matters is that you love and serve God. I will worry about you, but I will also support you 100%. 

Our friend Sarah sent us a card when this trip started and it read, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." These words were hung up on the back of our door in China being the last thing I read as I walked out each day. Therefore, I have thought much about whether or not I think that is true. The answer is I don't agree. I think the statement is a judgement call; life is what you make it. People can spend a whole life living in their comfort zone. It does not mean they did not live. When we get back home, the quote I want to put on the back of the door is this: "Live less out of habit and more out of intent." I intend to be the Mama you deserve and intend to be the woman God made me to be.

You shaped me in China as much as China shaped me in China. I love that you were with me through this journey because that means I am not who I am before you came along. Rather, because of you I am something completely new. I think that is what motherhood is all about.

Love,

Mama

Our one and only picture with Song.

My life defined.

I am grateful for this image Holly took of us walking down the street in Lushan. And yet it almost takes my breath away. It really says it all. This defines the core of our China life: constant attention, continual curiosity, and lack of anonymity. I look at this and feel my blood pressure rise as my protective mother bear instincts surface. This image acts as a photographic evidence as why I knew we could not ultimately choose to live here permanently. The End.

Wish you were here

I wish you were here. We would have such a fun time. I get excited just thinking about how I would fill our day with going to the market and sightseeing and eating. Assuming you were over your jet lag, we would hit the streets early. Even though we would be safely riding around with Song, there would be that aghast look across your face as we maneuvered through traffic. It would be almost be refreshing to see it because over time I know that I have grown accustomed to the craziness and your face would remind me of how insane it really is. To start we would have to go to my favorite market so we could shop for groceries and get some zhi tsuh ma da bing bread which will absolutely just rock your world. We can gross out all the locals by eating with our fingers, so if we wish to be "more civilized" you will learn that anytime you wish to eat anything with your hands, we will need to find you some plastic gloves. (They even give those out at McDonalds so you don't touch your food with your fingers.)

It will be surprising to you how cold it is here. Even though the air temperature is mid 40s, the wet air here is biting. When I try to explain how hot we were for the first half of our trip, you will not believe me. We will have lengthy discussions about why they do not run the heat in any public building. You will never have been so cold walking INSIDE places of business before.

When hanging out with a group of expat friends in China, it seems like you always designate the one who knows Mandarin best to be the speaker for the group. Unfortunately, you will be stuck with me, so while I might be able to communicate some items clearly, you will get a kick out of my elaborate miming of concepts and things which I do not know the words for. You will make a mental note for the future that I will be a fabulous partner in charades.

Inside the marketplace you will get to see all those fruits and vegetables that are so common here and so very uncommon in the America. We will visit my favorite spice stall and get huge chunks of ginger and garlic. And maybe a new bottle of chili oil for kicks.

The area of the market where they are cutting meat is not for the faint of heart, but you will be up for it. We will laugh at the pigs feet and slabs of fat hanging from their meat hooks. I will tell you about my fascination with their mammoth butcher blocks which are just slabs from the middle of a tree. We can waste 30 minutes just trying to figure out which type of rice we want to buy, and assuming the kids are occupied, it is a fun way to spend our time.

Where to go for lunch will be a huge decision. You will be famished for some food earlier than usual because of all the walking. We will decide to grab some quick jiaozi saving room for possible baozi later on. We will try both the steamed and fried varieties because they are both fantastic. You will be shocked that we are eating lunch in a restaurant with our coats and hats on.

We will walk around the area of restaurants after our meal watching the cooks at the other places. The men hand pulling noodles and making quick flips with giant woks is fascinating. We will gawk at the women scrubbing and cleaning vegetables for the evening meals outside the front doors of eateries and the random businesses that are sprinkled in between: the flesh eating fish spas, the baijiu and cigarette shops, the bakeries with their flavorless bread, KTV, dodgy massage options, travel "agents" and the kids clothing shops.

I will already have warned you that I personally try to avoid drinking too many liquids so that I can avoid squatty potties. Hudson, who has the bladder the size of a pea, will have already gone to the bathroom in random alleys and stairwells. (Lucky males!) Suddenly, you will completely understand why I am glad I did not potty train Tucker before we came.

Even though Wuhan has little touristy things to see, you can pick whether we go to Tea Street or Scooter Street or Meat Street or Plant Street or Electronics Street or Fabric Market or Coffee Street or Crazy Market: any of these places would give us hours of entertainment, not to mention blocks upon blocks of stuff to see. You will comment again about the incessant honking and traffic and smog.

You will finally understand what I mean when I tell you that the sun can be shining and you can not see it. 

By afternoon you will want a true local snack and ever since you saw the huge grinder pulverizing the sesame seeds at the market this morning, you have thought about trying the Wuhan hot and dry noodles, reganmian. They are the one treat you can only get in Hubei providence. A big ole bowlful of noodles will cost you 3 RMB (or 50 cents USD) and you will  understand my love of cheap Chinese eats.

 You will end your day on a incredibly hard Chinese mattress. It will take you longer than usual to get comfortable. You might miss parts of home, but glad we are experiencing this together. For me, it will be like a dream come true.

New to me.

Fish drying on overhead wiring. Totally normal.

Our time is quickly coming to a close. We will leave here late December 19th and go to Thailand to celebrate my birthday and Christmas. We will return for a very quick 36 hours and leave China for Indiana on December 27th. Through the realities of time travel we will leave Wuhan for San Francisco at 2:45 p.m. and leave San Fran for Indy also at 2:45 p.m. on the same day. A mental list got going the other day where I started cataloguing all the aspects of this life that were genuinely new. This is how far I got:

I think this is the coolest thing ever. Those big tree bark pieces up top?!? Cinnamon.

Just think, Tucker is just three years old and he will have been on 14 different planes and 7 different long train rides just for our Asia travels by the time he gets back home.

We've been talking a lot lately about how this experience will be viewed once we get home and get some distance from it. I suppose that like many other things, there will be a natural tendency to romanticize the life we have had here once we are snug safe in our comfort zone of home. Life here has never been "easy" or "normal." Just as one becomes accustomed to the routine of their life (however atrocious or fortunate), we have learned to deal with our reality here. Nearly twenty weeks ago, I felt like I had been dropped on Mars, but I figured out a way to survive and just in time for us to leave.

PRIOR TO CHINA,

I had never lived overseas. 

I had never went more than a month without driving a car. 

I had never lived in a society that had a completely different written and spoken language than myself. 

I had never had a playdate where the mother and I completely communicated by Google Translate. (Ironically this was with our Japanese friends that live here. She does not speak enough Mandarin to communicate with me!) 

I had never lived in a place with an elevator.

As an adult, I had never lived completely on cash without emergency (or daily) access to credit or debit cards. This has been a real challenge! I am not good about mentally adding in a grocery store!

I had never seen a beluga whale or panda or kangaroo. 

I had never lived in an apartment this small.

I had never been in a city of larger than 8 million (population of NYC). Let alone LIVED in a city of 10 million and visited ones much larger.

I had never been to a restaurant where the entire menu was in another language and there were no pictures.

I had never seen such poverty.

I had never seen a rodent in a grocery store or train station. 

I had never been the minority each and every day in every place. (Foreign fellowship might be the exception to this...even though there are a significant number of French and Canadians.)

I had never shopped for all our food needs almost completely in outdoor markets.

I had never ridden a train (for anything over 30 minutes).

I had never had a driver. Or lived where walking was the main mode of transportation. 

I had never seen a wild monkey while walking in the woods.

I had never worried about who I talked about Christ with.

I had never went for six months not seeing my parents.

I had never spoken Mandarin Chinese.

China has taught me so much...about the world, about myself, my values, my kids, my husband. The world has shrunk somehow. I love it that Josh and I can have conversations where we say, "Hey, when we get to Thailand, let us go to the Italian restaurant with those Canadians we met in China." 

Welp.

So we went to the mountains. {Takes a drink. Pauses. Considers what to write next. Starts typing. Erases. Changes title of post from "We didn't die" to "Well, THAT was fun." Considers just posting pictures. Pregnant pause.}

What to say.... What to say...

This weekend we went on a trip with three other couples to Lushan, an area of China known for beautiful vistas and the largest freshwater lake. A Chinese co-worker of Josh's organized the trip and had set us up with an itinerary down to the minute. (Literally, we had scheduled time just for sitting in traffic!) Late Friday night the 10 of us (two Chinese couples, Brendan and Holly, and us with the kiddos) headed to the train station. Two train rides and a insane taxi ride later we arrived at our hotel, also known as the cheapest place in town. The nice way to describe the hotel would be to say, "It was an adventure!" So I will just say, "It was a terrifying adventure!" and you will just have to fill in the blanks on your personal nightmare hotel experiences and multiply by 10.

The next morning we got up and took an hour's drive up, up, up the switchbacks of a mountain in a 15 person van with 16 people in it. If you are down with barreling up a hill in the wrong lane with substantial oncoming traffic then this was your dream ride. Fifteen people got out nauseous. I got out and kissed the freaking pavement.

The little town we stayed in was kinda like Nashville, Indiana, but instead of knickknacks they sold baiju, tea, porcelain, and cigarettes. Instead of artistic creations decorating the sidewalks and doorways, there was sausage hanging (out to dry?!) everywhere off of every surface.
Naturally, we fit right in and captured no extra attention whatsoever. Ha. Ha. It was pretty epic the amount of attention we received. Actually, we were so popular that poor Holly was asked a handful of times by groups of teenage Chinese boys to pose for pictures. (Everyone thinks she is French. Which I LOVE, by the way!!!)

So this is our hotel's laundry line. There are the clothes.
And also on the line is dinner. Meat hanging right there too!

Our hotel in town was better than the one the previous night, mostly because the primary cause of death from it would only be black lung from the mold on the curtains and walls. We did not spend much time there though. We headed to lunch on a really cool balcony overlooking part of town. A family of bees and their cousins the wasps also were hungry for our food and drinks, so they joined us.

Oh gracious! Don't I sound whiny! Seriously, it was so great to have all the details planned for us! The other couples did a great job ordering our food and basically helping us navigate every single detail of the two days. It is just really hard to be in such a foreign place and so dependent on other people. The kids were pretty energetic, naturally, too and so we had our hands full in a new place.

This little monkey is going to be such a handful! 

The by far, coolest aspect of the entire weekend which will forever be why I do not remember any of the above and can only focus on this moment, was the fact that we were able to hike in pseudo fresh air, in the woods, to see nice vistas. We have been so urbanized for the past 5 months that it was a real treat!

And on this beautiful said hike, we were just walking as people do, and there on the trail like a scurry of squirrels was a band of monkeys. Real monkeys. Wild monkeys. Eating trash just like you think that they would (?!?!) and making me just squeal with delight. Once I saw a Chinese man photographing a chipmunk at the Grand Canyon and it made me laugh. It was a chipmunk. Those run around my yard. Welp, I was the crazy tourist because I took a blue million photographs of those stinking monkeys. Because of the way we hiked we had to double back. This time we saw them again, three of them, and collectively they kind of had us in a crossfire. We were enjoying watching them and going slowly about our business when Papa Monkey came barreling into the show. Suddenly it became apparent that we were not in the crossfire of three monkeys but there were MANY MANY around us. It was freakishly awesome.

Sunday we had another day of hiking and enjoying the sunshine. Despite the cold, it was really great to see some falling leaves and nature. The area was made famous by several historic events which revolved around Chairman Mao, so he had a home there which we toured. So I saw the lake where he supposedly skinny-dipped. I would have never pegged the man for a swimmer...

Hudson and Mrs. Chen enjoying the pond.

I don't think I can say much more about our experiences at Lushan without sounding like I am writing a TripAdvisor review (which I will, believe you me, and it will get one star!) but "it was an adventure" that I really don't need to have again. I can share our tales of near death experiences (note the plural) and freezing meals (as in we were the ones freezing) and a great tale of witnessing a chicken being killed right there alongside the table Holly, a vegetarian, was eating at.

For my part, I hope to never again be in a passenger van with people puking in front and behind me. And P.S. I am going to be 40 years old in 11 days, I think I am too old for scary hotels with plywood beds too.

T found a T sign!

ShangHai Part Two

Sometimes I get really tired of lugging my heavy camera around and on those days where I have the kids by myself in a city of 24 million, it is not the best idea. On our second day in ShangHai Josh had to work, so the kids and I were on our own to explore. I decided to figure out the subway system and get us to the Science and Technology museum. The weather was still rainy and ugly. After five months in China, I knew better than to try and bring a stroller along. It is usually more trouble than it is worth. So packing light was my best plan. 

With no camera in hand, I am left to document the day in the best way possible, with just my mind's eye. Despite horrible weather and the overall stress of such a huge foreign city, my day without a camera will always be one of my favorite memories of China. I was so proud of how helpful Hudson was and how easy going Tucker chose to be that day. The three of us just had fun bartering in the markets, managing street food options, and touring one-fourth of a huge science museum with thousands of other (screaming and screeching) Chinese children. 

Our next day we went back to the area near the river and with the confidence from the previous day's travels, I felt up to bringing my camera along. The weather had cleared and we were able to take in amazing views of the skyscrapers.

I took this picture on my phone for our driver who wrote us a text
hoping we were having a fun time!

This was the most gorgeous Pizza Hut I have ever been too.
Now if they could just have some pepperoni on their menu!!! Grrr....

Building on the right is the second tallest in the world. It is amazing.

On our last day in ShangHai Josh wanted to go back to Tea Street where I had been earlier in the week. The culture of tea in China is difficult to explain. It is not just a fast drink with cute cups. There is a whole process and ritual regarding the way that you buy it, present it, store it, share it, and finally drink it. Over the course of the past couple months this has become more and more evident to me. Today I actually went to Tea Street in Wuhan. (I will post images from that later.)  ShangHai's Tea Street area was quite small, but interesting.

This tea is 700 RMB for 500 grams, which is actually cheap.

You either buy tea loose or in wafers or flat circles.
The only tea I have seen in teabags has been at our apart'hotel.

Then to end our trip we went on the Maglev. I had no idea what this was, but Josh was pretty insistent that we ride it; basically it is a train without wheels or a track. It is moved by magnetic pull. (Maglev=think magnetic levitation) It would take us to the Pudong airport  as opposed to taking a taxi or subway...and it would go 430 KPH (or 267 MPH). Um....sounds awesome.

Our total ride was just 15 minutes long or so, but it was really, really fun. And you felt like you were going really, really fast. The G-train that we took months ago went 300 KPH and you could feel the difference.  We really enjoyed seeing another key Chinese city. Now, we are off for our weekend in the mountains!

Friendsgiving

Holly and I decided that we needed to attempt a traditional Thanksgiving meal. Cooking without my oven (and every other piece of beloved kitchen equipment) has been hard, so going for the big T-day meal felt like a challenge on Survivor. I mean, I did mash the potatoes with an oyster sauce bottle wrapped in plastic! We shopped at the local market, METRO (the huge import store), Shino (French bakery), and our local grocery store. (God bless the fact that I have a driver!) The stupid induction heat range shut itself off continually during our cooking process, but she and I together were able to piece together a handful of familiar foods.

Our menu: brioche (from bakery), mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy, mushroom dressing (made in a rice cooker), stir fried green beans and onions, soy glazed carrots (these were awesome), individual apple pie tarts with caramel sauce and chocolate no bake cookies.

Hudson and Tucker were so excited for "our party" and helped set the table. It will be a meal that I will never forget.

ShangHai Stories Part I

Luckily, Josh needed to go to ShangHai for a conference, so we were able to make sure that we did not miss this key city. According to the internet, ShangHai is the largest Chinese city by population and has the largest city proper. I feel a bit acclimated to life here when I say that I don't think that you could really tell. Yes, it was big, but when you are comparing 24 million to 20 million, it all starts to feel the same. The city has a fantastic infrastructure; making it possible to get around without extreme stress. There are adequate subway lines (14, I think) and buses and taxis. We were there for several days and traveled back to Wuhan on Thanksgiving.

Hudson liked the street markets. He is so enamored with little trinkets, so the large displays of jade caused him to take pause.

On our first half day, we were all together, and we treated ourselves and Josh's Chinese co-worker to some good ole American fare. We found a TGIFs right near the river and had a fantastic meal. Then we walked around and were just in total awe of the skyscrapers. This particular TV tower was really cool. I think I photographed it at every possible time of day. It is still a working tower and transmits signals so that everyone riding the buses has access to television.

So, this was our first night. We are on "our side" of town, Pudong. This is looking across the river to The Bund. The river was a constant stream of huge boats, tourist and cruise ships, flatbed barges carrying anything you can imagine. Our weather was really lovely, nice and mild. It was a fun evening. Even as acclimated as I get, I still have these moments when taking pictures like this one where I am thinking, "I am in ShangHai?!?! How crazy is this?"

The next day I had booked an all day tour which would give us a half day in one of the local water towns and then a half day showcasing areas of ShangHai that I had requested.  You kind of never know how these tours are going to go, but with this one, the company did a fantastic job! We saw so, so, so much. I could really bore you with images of a life very far from your own, but that is for another time.

Money does not hold much meaning for me. And of course I understand that it is not essential to a happy life, but I was quite aghast at the living conditions that we saw that day. It makes me feel really blessed just to have a safe shelter for my kids here and at home in the USA. This town was literally right on the water. I would be a nervous wreck with my kids running around there all the time. 

The inner channels throughout the town allowed for people to use the water as transport and also as a means for washing clothes, bathing, and such. You can see steps down to the water every hundred feet or so.

We returned to ShangHai for a late dim sum lunch. Hairy crab is in season, so we had to have some of that! Because of the climate, ShangHai can get two seasons of rice out of their fields. So, unlike Wuhan where noodles are much more prevalent, rice is on all the menus and sold from the street food carts. The fried rice we had for lunch was the best we have had in China.

Our afternoon was more touring of the Puxi side of the river. We went through the area of the French Concessions area (beautiful), Old Town Markets (crowded), and to see the architecture of The Bund (amazing).

We did this entire day in the rain. Considering the boys both were jumping in puddles at 10 a.m., everyone got a nice hot bath that night and we were all beat. It was a great start to our adventures in ShangHai!

View from The Bund in the rain back towards Pudong.
You can't even see the huge skyscrapers because of the clouds.