My Goodbye Song

My Dear Children,

Because I had you post the natural timeline of insecure teen years, those roaring twenties, and in my much more financially and emotionally stable thirties, I never would have expected for you to be "along for the ride" during a time when I learned so much about my myself and my values. China has changed me. One day when you are (much, much) older we can talk about all the things that I was dealing with as a person and as a mother that are not clearly defined through the words of this blog. I am confident that the words here will serve as a good outline for what I will need to share. 

There was never a time that you were not a part of my China experience. Those (very) few times when I was away from you for an hour or two, you were constantly on my mind. Logically I know that China is just as safe as the US, but it did not stop me from being paranoid. (I am sorry kids, but you come from a long line of worry-warts, so good luck dealing with that as a parent!) Being a mother is the only hat I have worn for the past 148 days. I realize now that it is probably good to have multiple hats in life; it keeps you balanced.

You have witnessed some natural highs and some genuine lows. But you have always been the stability that has brought grounded me back to a place of silent prayer and peace. Thank you for that. (It is highly likely I would have been arrested without your presence. Or maybe I only would have been arrested because of your presence. Hmmm...)

To each of you, I have this to say: First to my Little Man. My Chatty Kathy. My Lego Maniac. Tonight I looked back over the pictures that I have taken since we arrived here in China and I am genuinely shocked at how I can see the changes in you in just the past 20 weeks. Or maybe I just am viewing you in a different way. 

I apologize for making you a goodwill ambassador when you did not want to. I hate that I felt such pressure for us to give "good impressions of Americans" for that was never really our job here. Alas, I do know that many Chinese view Americans as Christians and I believe that it IS our constant job to act as such. But you are still little and should not always have to pose for pictures with everyone who asks. You did a rockstar job at communicating with the people. You made many friends. You defended yourself and your Mama more than once. Remind me to tell you the story of you yelling "Bu yao" over and over at the market. You were just old enough to know that some stuff, like pooping on the street or littering, is not something that we should do and did not ask me a hundred questions "why?" Thanks for that!

I love it that you have been my buddy and my helper along this journey. You are tougher than you know and it is my constant prayer that it does not take you too long to figure that out. You are so very bright. It actually scares me a little. 

I look and you and sigh because I know that you are going to change a lot and fast once we get home. There are aspects of your childhood that have somehow been protected a little longer by being here. Once you are in school full time and with outside influences, I know that my view will become less important to your decision making. I hope that I have given you some good skills to carry with you. 

And you, Mister T, my little angel, my little agitator. Oh my! This experience has been very good for the two of us. I feel like I have been learning about you since the day you were born. I will FOREVER wonder how this China experience changed your personality. We left and you were so extremely introverted and I have seen such tremendous growth in your here. That does not mean that for one second I can forget how much I feel like I have had to protect you here. China absolutely adores you. Those curls. That little body. Everyone wanted to get pictures with you. Everyone wanted you to pay attention to them. Being shy has its place, but it can also present a hard way of life, so I am very happy to see the changes in you. (I do wish I would have learned the word "haixiu" earlier in the trip. People seemed to understand your screaming reaction to being touched much better when I could tell them you were shy. This did not stop me from wanting to punch people who repeatedly tried to touch you. Especially when I was wearing you in a sling on MY body, but I digress...)

The best part of this trip is I feel like I really know you.  I can see things as you do and almost prepare for your reactions before they I know friends and family will be so shocked to see how much you have grown up in the past few months.

I love it when I hear you greet people with a loud, "Nihao!!!" and I when we find something on the Chinese menu that you will eat! You are such a little cuddle bug. You do not know how good it makes me feel to be able to pick your little lightness up and snuggle you up. Watching you run, jump, and swim with ease makes me feel really good about the physical progress you have made. I am looking forward to our days together once we return home.

With trip has cemented the one thing about life that matters: The only thing that is important is your heart being in the right place with God. I don't care if you go to college or make big money or move across the world from me. The only thing that matters is that you love and serve God. I will worry about you, but I will also support you 100%. 

Our friend Sarah sent us a card when this trip started and it read, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." These words were hung up on the back of our door in China being the last thing I read as I walked out each day. Therefore, I have thought much about whether or not I think that is true. The answer is I don't agree. I think the statement is a judgement call; life is what you make it. People can spend a whole life living in their comfort zone. It does not mean they did not live. When we get back home, the quote I want to put on the back of the door is this: "Live less out of habit and more out of intent." I intend to be the Mama you deserve and intend to be the woman God made me to be.

You shaped me in China as much as China shaped me in China. I love that you were with me through this journey because that means I am not who I am before you came along. Rather, because of you I am something completely new. I think that is what motherhood is all about.

Love,

Mama

Our one and only picture with Song.